Lucy

    So I went to the movies today ready to be disappointed and of course I wasn't let down by Hollywood. Again, just another case of just because you own a property or title doesn't mean you have to make it into a movie. Of course I am speaking of Lucy.

How do you go from this?

To this?

I really can't even begin to tell you what they change. I mean Lucy is now blonde and is a student of some sort living in Taiwan instead of living in New York. Instead of being married to Ricky he is now some sort of week long romance and wears a cowboy hat an is far from being Hispanic. The wonderful character that we all know and love, Fred Mertz is now named Kang and is a gruesome murderous drug lord.

Fred Mertz?

I don't even know what to say about the changes they have made to the general story. No longer is Lucy getting into mischief and trying to become famous but now she is taking mind enhancing drugs, being a drug mule and also beating the living daylights out of poor people whenever she gets the chance. Worse yet none of the story takes place in America but maybe 3 minutes. ???? Why take something that is pure Americana, as Redheaded, White and Blue as Lucy and turn her into a blond with superpowers that just beats the living shit out of everyone that crosses her path. I like all the actors in this movie so that isn't the problem. Scarlett Johanson, Morgan Freeman and Choi Min-sik are all great actors and craftsmen, my issue is with all these changes. I didn't laugh one time during the entire film. Just a sad day in Hollywood and in reboots in particular. 

Everybody Street...

So I was at the Family Thrift Center where I do most of my shopping for clothing these days after find 6 pairs of Levi's in the place each for around $7 a pop. While that hasn't happened as much here lately it is the only thrift store I go to lately because it hasn't become scary and seedy and they still have good stuff. Today I found all this camera equipment, two tripods which still had their heads which is a miracle and a monopod plus this Minolta Hi-Matic AF2 camera. I didn't buy any of those things but I was really checking out that Minolta because it seemed like a decent enough camera that probably wasn't all plastic. I don't need another camera but I have to say I was tempted because I like Hi-Matics as it was the first camera I ever really dealt with when I was a kid seeing as my dad bought one when he was in Vietnam.

So my surprise when later on in the evening I trip upon this site advertising a documentary about New York street photographers.


The first photographer to speak, Ricky Powell, is holding the very camera I was looking at this afternoon. I mean what are the chances. There are millions of cameras out there and he is using the one that I just happened to see this afternoon in a thrift store in Texas.

Postscript.

I went there and bought the camera. Got it home put new batteries in it and it didn't work but I looked and saw that the terminals were a little corroded from an exploded battery. So I blew inside and worked the battery back and forth against the terminal and now it works as far as I know. I'm going to take it to work tomorrow night and use some tools that I have to clean it better and possible do my job as well.

Why am I telling you all this, well the title of the blog is Brief History in Bullshit and there you are.

Nymphomaniac Posters...

World War Zzzzzzz

    So I watched World War Z yesterday with a heavy heart because I have already read about all the production issues with this film and plus it has a PG-13 rating because teenagers are truly the only demographic that matters, especially if you are spending 200 Million dollars in production.

    When I read many years ago that Brad Pitt had bought the rights to the book via his production company I was kind of hopeful. I like Brad Pitt, he has done some fine work in his career usually with David Fincher. Then I read about it being the largest budgeted zombie movie ever. Finally I hard PG-13 because he wanted to make something his kids could watch which is probably words his publicist told him to say when Paramount wouldn't pony up that much money for an R Rated movie.
     I guess things have changed since I was a teen but I never ever remember having any trouble getting into a R rated movie ever. I saw Basic Instinct when it came out in 1992 and I was only 16 or 17 years old, with friends of the same age. We all watched movies like Porkies, Rambo, Aliens and no telling wait on Cinemax late at night. You seriously can't hit me with think about the children when they now show Basic Instinct on a Christmas morning on Starz.
     I for one watched the movie because there was nothing else out at the moment I wanted to see and I have some respect for Brad Pitt. I can't really see why this cost so much to make because it obviously wasn't because of locations as it seems they only did a few aerial shots of certain locations and that is about it. Couldn't have been talent as Brad Pitt is the only big name in the cast. I was thinking the entire time that I have seen more locations in an 80's miniseries.
    I'm not saying the movie sucked, it was way more fun than Man of Steel I just don't understand why it is called World War Z because from what I can tell they just took the title and then remade 28 Days Later. No slow zombies here folks instead we get runners that overwhelm everything in a matter of seconds like a tsunami of dead. No feasting on brains or devouring of flesh but more like a snake bite and you are fucked in 12 seconds. In 12 seconds from the bite you are twitching, then dead, then bitey yourself.
    The real question though is how did such a terrible disease cross the ocean and make it to America? It seems to have originated in Asia but somehow got to the other side of the world. The UN guy suggests that it was via airplanes, infected people on the a plane but later in the movie we see how flying on an airplane with one infected person works out, the entire plane was over run with zombies in mere minutes. So how the hell would such a plane land in the United States, surely the pilots would have reported that they had about 300 infected passengers before landing the plane, that is if they didn't beat the door to the cockpit down before landing.
     Really how could anyone infected even get on the plane, I mean by the time you have removed your shoes and gone through the scanner you would have turned. Obviously from the movie it only takes one to start the ball rolling but from the looks of the movie every flight into the USA must have had at least one infected person seeing that Philly, NYC and DC were already being over run.
      They should have made it for half the money, gave it an R rating, sold it around Halloween and made it three parts. I mean is it that hard to make a zombie movie, Romero did it for almost 40 years and AMC is doing it 14 episodes at a time. Fast zombies might be scarier at first but CGI are comical as hell.

Young Dracula in Love

I have an idea for a comedy titled like this post, "Young Dracula in Love". The thing is Dracula while young in years compared to other vampires looks like a 70 year old man to humans and we get to follow his wacky adventures as he tries to start a relationship with a much younger woman. Think Christopher Lee trying to pick up Jennifer Lawrence. I'm talking pure movie gold here, it practically writes itself.

   Two weeks ago I went to the theater to watch Star Trek: Rodenberry Spins In Grave at the midnight showing because I had a plane to catch the next day. As is the case now when you go to a movie at an AMC theater you have to watch some shitty TV show that you would never think to view unless stuck in the hospital and the batteries in the remote died. 

Apparently The Foster Parents are Beach Bums

    There was an ad for an ABC show called The Fosters and I got some weird stares because of one of the line readings in the otherwise sappy sweet drama that is supposed to feel like a warm washcloth swabbing your testicles. The little girl says something about meeting someone and the teenage boy responds "But that is our birth mother!" and at that line I cackled madly among the late night nerds who just gave me blank stares. So preposterous sounding was that line, who would watch this shit. 

    Now less that two weeks later I am scrolling on my iphone tumblr app and I see one of my sponsored ads is no less than "The Fosters". You can't escape the LAME.

Ironed Man

Seriously, the only thing that America successfully make and exports around the world these days other than bullet is movies. Sure they are all filmed in Canada but that is North America all the same.  The real pisser here is that Iron Man 3 has been all over the fucking world now and I still have to wait two more days to see it here in the good old US of A.

Opening Everywhere In The World, Then in the USA 

Shit, my girlfriend has just been waiting for the right time to watch it in Brazil because it has been there all week. She just can't get a good time for the un-dubbed version. Me, Shawn, here in Houston, Texas, USA has to wait two more days to watch it in a crowded theater. The French have already seen it, Russians had their world premiere a week before that. You might remember Russia they used to be are arch nemesis about 20 years ago now they get our new movies before the United States of America, the sweetest smelling country in the world.

I've seen Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow in just about every country over the last two weeks walking red carpets, dirt paths, rose petal strewn trails, cobblestone street, yellow brick roads smiling and waving at international journalists while I have sat here in America, waiting anxiously for the movie to open. Iron Man, a movie based on an American Comic Book about an American entrepreneur that had the get up and know how to build a suit of armor with scrap part while stuck in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Oh by the way, they played Iron Man 3 last night in a cave in the middle of nowhere to a huge crowd of men, women and goats. Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow sold tickets and gave out free popcorn in the caverns while I sat here, Iron Manless. They were lovely, witty and fashionable while they refilled 2 liter drinks for the patrons.

Look I am not made at the actors they are just doing their jobs. I mean, keep the only movie worth seeing this spring over in foreign markets. I can wait, I have plenty of great movies to watch over here in this country. Movies like GI Joe Retaliation, Pain and Gain or Scary Movie V.

Seriously though I am just having a bit of good old fashion fun here. I know they are doing this so they can break the box office here but I really don't see the reason why because to be honest there hasn't been a really good movie that has come out this year I don't think. I like Oblivion but it wasn't anything to write home about and beside I don't think Tom Cruise elicits that much of an emotional response for most of the population. We have had a lot of shit though, I mean all three Planet Hollywood Investors put out movies that vanished like a fart in a hurricane. Pain and Gain, is that about steroid abuse? GI Joe Retaliation must have been seeking vengeance on the six people that went to watch it.

Selah.