The Silence

Hillbilly is Brazil Edition Tie In:

     I went to the SP Film Festival last weekend with Ana to, you guessed it, watch some movies. We had to be careful about our selection and unfortunately with me tagging along we had to narrow our choices down to anything in English or with English subtitles. So we settled on two movies that had english subtitles and one of those was the German movie The Silence or Das letzte Schweigen.

  How we chose this movie was a systematic process in which Ana did most of the real work because I still can't read Portuguese all that well. She has one habit that I wish I had, that is taking copious amounts of notes and being organized. So she came to me with a long list of movies that were playing over the weekend that we could both watch and understand. This one just happened to be about a serial killer/murder mystery kind of deal which is always intriguing. 

     So after we nestled into our seats I learned what could even be more intriguing than a German dramatic film and that is trying to follow along without the aforementioned English Subtitles. Oops, seems that somewhere along the line there was a miscommunication between the catalog printer and the film distributor and I had to try and figure out what was going on with Portuguese subtitles and the German audio. Which wasn't as difficult as it might sound, the acting was decent enough that I pretty much could follow along with the actions of the characters. I am sure I missed out on some of the smaller nuances but still  I got the gist of it.

     

     At least I think I got the gist of it. either way Ana talked them into giving me a free ticket to anything I wanted to see afterwards which is pretty sweet. Especially seeing that I watched the entire movie with or without the English Subs. All it took was some subtle yelling and saying that she was a lawyer and before you know it I have a free ticket OR she asked nicely and explained our situation in a calm clear manner with which the woman working their could relate to and offered to see what she could do for us. That is like getting a steak dinner that was cooked well done when you ordered medium rare. Then with some friendly complaining after cleaning your plate, they give you another steak dinner. So it was sort of a half assed twofer, the first wasn't exactly what you ordered but the next has the possibility and  besides that it's free.

   The movie was advertised in the Mostra Film Book ($1R) as a murder mystery but it would be more apt to say that a murder takes place and we watch as it effects different people in different ways. The prologue of the movie is set in the early 80's and the rape and murder of a 12 year old girl by a two men in a wheat field. Flash forward 23 years later and another girl disappears but her bike and effects are found in the exact same spot in which the first girl was murdered. That is the action that brings all the characters together which is the real basis of the film as the second murder/disappearance is just a catalyst. You have the mother of the first girl, the cop that worked the case who just retired, another cop whose is falling apart because wife just died of cancer, the parents of the girl that just disappeared. Also the two men that murdered the first girl., one of whom still lives and works in the apartment buildings as a grounds keeper were they first met and the other who soon after the first murder packed up, changed his name and started a new life and family. You get to watch and follow these people deal with their lives after the horrific events and with their own lives.
     Anyway that is what I pieced together from my German and Portuguese. I could be totally wrong about everything it wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

Calm Down, Dr Wang Has Arrived....

     The second movie that we choose through our process was a Chinese/Canadian/Australian production titled The Red Light Revolution. Set in present day Bejing it is a lovely story about a thirty year old trying to find himself and a career to get back his self respect.

When A Man Loves A Woman

     The career is selling sex toys in a small neighborhood which has a mostly conservative geriatric clientele. I have to say it was rather enlightening to watch a comedy that didn't involve someone being knocked up throughout most of the film or involve bad child acting. I mean I really enjoyed Knocked Up and The Switch but why does every other movie now have to have an actress walking around in a latex belly. Anyway as the story goes along and the shop becomes successful and accepted in the neighborhood which of course is seen in montage, an effect used in comedies for nearly 100 years. As usually happens in these sorts of comedies though, the shit hits the fan. We can't just be happy go lucky because we still have 45 minutes to go in our film and who wants to watch people with no adversity in their lives. That is the point of these movies isn't it, the guy that used to just give up in the face of a challenge now meets it head on because he has grown. Our young hero forgot to get the proper permit to open a Sex Shop in this location so of course he gets busted and seeing that he got all his product from what can only be explained as The Dildo Mafioso he is in serious trouble of getting his legs broke. 

      I really won't go into the last bit of the movie but if you have watched films for oh say the last 30 years you probably know how things are going to work out in the end. And while the movie might follow a formula perfected in comedies during the 80's with people like Bill Murray, Harold Ramis and Rodney Dangerfield. That doesn't mean the formula doesn't work because it does work in this film. It works because the actors and the direction and good but also because this movie has something that a lot of new comedies in America don't have much of anymore, jokes. I love jokes, especially in my comedies. Even more so in my Chinese Sex Shop comedies. 

Wall Street 2 - Electric Snoozaroo....

      Ana and I went to see Wall Street 2:The Dollar Ain't What It Once Was last night at the Cinemark Theater located in the shopping mall next door. It was the only English film playing that we hadn't already seen or involved fighting a Resident Evil.

Makes me want to watch the Godfather

     First though we saw trailers and while I won't get into the Brazilian movie trailers because I couldn't understand them, there was a trailer for Unstoppable starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pine. I would like announce right here and now that I think I might have found the biggest comedy hit of the year. I haven't laughed out loud during a movie trailer in such a long time, this could possibly be the silliest idea for a movie that I have ever seen. I might have missed some clues as how the movie was supposed to be a suspenseful thriller because the trailer was cut together by a meth addicted, espresso drinking rabid monkey. I thought it was so ludicrous that I started laughing again in the end credits for Wall Street. Maybe I was just trying to take the pain away from the feature presentation.

Unstoppable

     About WS2; let me start out by saying that I think Shia LeBouf is the Ben Affleck of his day. You place him next to Michael Douglas and you see this loud and clear. Douglas is Gordon Gekko, LePoff is "look mommy, I'm acting, I'm a man". The sad part is we are stuck with LePoff through most of the movie and only get a glimpse of the more interesting Gekko occasionally which kind of sucks. 

• Shia LeBouf is no Charlie Sheen all he has is talk normal to show normal and fast and loud to show anger, fear, sadness, gas pain and anal itch.

• His girlfriend has 100 million locked up in a trust fund in Switzerland, we learn this halfway through the movie and she says she planned on donating it to a charity. Only someone that has never been poor or middle class could ever think like that, especially someone that lives in NYC one of the most expensive cities in the world. LAME

• Oliver tries to put a message in the movie but it is really lost on shitty acting, too many plots that lead nowhere, an unrealistic sentimental ending 

• CGI effects that are there for no real reason but to say LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME

• Who am I supposed to care about in this movie? Gordon Gekko the man who steal loves only money (till the end). Shia LePuff who in the first ten minutes gets a bonus check for $1.5 million? His whiny unattractive girlfriend that works for a non-profit? Why do I care?

     You can't make a movie decrying unfettered greed that's only aim is too make as much money as possible. Why else would it get a world wide release everywhere on the same day unless they knew that word of mouth would probably kill it in two weeks. Not that it matters here in Brazil the line for Resident Evil 4 was standing outside the theater, Wall Street 2 was rather spacious for a Friday night. The best thing that could happen to Oliver Stone is if someone cut his budget in half and force him to return to his roots of Platoon or Salvador instead of giving him shit piles of money hoping to get the next JFK or Nixon. 

Coincidências do Amor (The Switch)

      I watched The Switch in Brazil though the title has been changed to something completely bizarre, Coincidências do Amor (Coincidences of Love). Why, who knows maybe there isn’t a word in Portuguese that means Switch or cheesy romantic comedy. I mean, most romantic comedies are cheesy so I guess that was redundant. Then again, romantic comedies aren't supposed to make you rethink your life, quit your job and move to NYC and start a punk rock band. They are supposed to do something though but what, no one knows.

      The movie is about a pregnancy but all movies these days has to have at least one person knocked up in it, it seems. Every since the superior movie Knocked Up came out 2 years ago there has been an onslaught of these movies showing how inadequate people deal with the little parasites. I guess if you think about it this has been going on longer than the last 2 years, I remember Hugh Grant had that movie with Julianne Moore 9 Months (I thought it was a sequel to 9 1/2 Weeks) or something back in the 90’s. There was also Father of the Bride 2 were both mother and daughter were pregnant and I am sure I am missing a few in between 1990 and 2010. I guess Switch is different in that it has the awkward “how she got pregnant” scenes and then skips 7 years later to the kid being 6 years old. So we miss out on Jennifer Aniston wearing a ridiculous latex pregnant belly appliance, the funny building the crib buying toys scene, the breathing scene, the stupid rushing to the hospital scene, the hilarious I don't want to be a dad scenes and the funny comic relief doctor scenes. Right past all that bullshit and straight into the comedy and romance.

     I have to give the movie some props for deviating from the mold of the last 20 years of oops I'm pregnant films. They even kind of deviate from the romantic comedy mold by not making Jason Bateman such a loser that in real life he would never get the girl. He is just a little neurotic, not a pot smoking, beer guzzling slob whose friends are either the fat guy or the nervous guy. Which is funny if you think about it because the guy that has been playing nervous guy for the last 5 years used to play Jason's son in Arrested Development.
     The only time I thought the movie got boring was when it was focusing on Jennifer Aniston. When we are with Bateman it gets at least some chuckles but when we stick with Jennifer it kind of just hits bottom. Probably because she isn't really all that funny or interesting which isn't her fault, they didn't hire Meryl Strep and Jennifer Aniston plays the role just right, pretty, successful and able to get a huge apartment in NYC plus a TV executive job even after being out of the business for 7 years. Like I said in the beginning it is a romantic comedy, the Light Beers of movies so we can't really expect to get drunk on watching it. Though in her defense, the scene in which she gets locked outside in a sheer white nightgown in chilly NYC was probably the best acting I have seen in a long time.
     So even though I wouldn't suggest it unless you are just a Bateman fan I would say rent it or steal it off the internet if you have time to kill. 

Wow, What A Surprise

     I was reading through huffingtonpost.com this morning because it gives me my fill of politics and total useless bullshit all in one site. Like when they post things like "Jennifer Aniston TOPLESS" and you click to find pictures of her bare back covering her naughty bits with her arms, again for the 300th time since Jennifer Aniston become a celebrity. Oh, Huffington, you got me again.
     They also usually have some top ten thing on there as well like TOP TEN CITIES TO VISIT and half are in Italy or something. TOP TEN CITIES TO GET SHOT IN or TOP TEN CITIES WERE UNEMPLOYMENT IS BELOW 15%. Of course on that last one they fall to mention that the cost of living is so outrageous that I imagine all the unemployed people live somewhere else. Like I'm sure that Aspen, CO has a low unemployment rate because no one that works in that town can afford to live there, same with NYC.
     By far the funniest thing is the fake outrage sections those are the best, my favorite one is when they have a singer that started out wholesome but now that they are getting closer to 20 have pulled out the stops and gone full on slut. Right now the big outrage seems to be over little Miley Cyrus, the devil spawn that came from the man that wore a mullet longer than anyone else, Billy Ray Cyrus. Apparently she is all growsed up now and wants to shed the Hannah Montana trappings and sing like a big girl. I should mention I have no idea what a Hannah Montana is or that Billy Ray was even allowed to have sex with women but I guess it happened.

       Before & After

      So one day she is all white and pastel colors, smiles, bows and wholesomeness and the next she is all eye shadow and dark clothing and pouty expressions. All I can say is that I agree with parents on this one, this is outrageous who can she go from being this icon of purity one moment and the next into some trashy harlot, doesn't she know that our kids are so stupid that they are going to imulate her. Bad enough they had to buy their daughters all that cheap shitty plastic crap because it had Hannah Montana stamped on it but now they will have to pay Leather pants and mascara by the boat load. 

     I for one feel so sorry for parents today because how could they have seen this coming down the pike. A marketing strategy like this has never happened in our lifetimes.

Before & After

    

The A-Team

 I really hate how this plan came together.

Predators (And Not The Sexy Kind)

      So I downloaded Predators of my "service" as my girlfriend calls it and I have to say, if you kids can't pirate this shit any better than this then you should just stay the fuck at home. I'm serious, I don't mind that I have a clear view of the seats in front of you for the first five minutes of the movie but at least keep the camera focused the entire ninety minutes. Half the movie is clear, the other half I think I'm looking at blurry shit stained glass or a pair of pantyhose...I'm guessing.

Who can forget this scene whatever it is?

     After watching most of the movie and listening to the other half because the sound is about as bad as the picture I'm going to say that this was a decent film. My biggest gripe is that the only way to get really good bootleg movies these days is to wait for either some German kid or a Russian kid to post it. Americans kids aren't only falling behind the rest of the world in education but also Pirating. 

     As for the movie, well the parts that I could see and hear (the sound was equally as shitty as the picture) it seemed like everything that a fan of the Predator franchise could really ever want in a movie with a few exceptions. We are back to the jungle, back to hot climates and dangerous people with weapons, gone are the stupid cartoon fights from the Alien vs Predator saga which thankfully even Robert Rodriquez thought sucked so bad that he didn't want anything to do with it. 

     The only flaw that I can see from this movie that all have really suffered since the first one is there is no star in the movie. As much as I might like Adrien Brody and his nose he is no Arnold Schwarzenegger not even close, not even the same continent and that I think is what brings the movie down because let's face it kids the only reason that first movie did so well was because it had the big star in it. All of us kids knew how it was going to come down at the end, Arnie was going to slug it out with this massive beast from outer space and we couldn't have been more pleased with the outcome. We all know Bruce Willis is going to be the smart ass and save the hostages, we all know that Eastwood's face would twist and he'd blow away the bad guys we all know that Stallone would talk like he had a dick in his mouth and beat the shit out of someone but even though we knew it was still awesome to see them go about it. 

     Adrien Brody? Who the fuck is that? Laurence Fishburne, is he still alive and how did he get out of the Matrix? 

     Also kudos to the Predators for kidnapping the most dangerous people from all around the world to be on their off-Earth game preserve that all speak perfect English. What luck for the prey to all be able to communicate in the same language.