Ironed Man

Seriously, the only thing that America successfully make and exports around the world these days other than bullet is movies. Sure they are all filmed in Canada but that is North America all the same.  The real pisser here is that Iron Man 3 has been all over the fucking world now and I still have to wait two more days to see it here in the good old US of A.

Opening Everywhere In The World, Then in the USA 

Shit, my girlfriend has just been waiting for the right time to watch it in Brazil because it has been there all week. She just can't get a good time for the un-dubbed version. Me, Shawn, here in Houston, Texas, USA has to wait two more days to watch it in a crowded theater. The French have already seen it, Russians had their world premiere a week before that. You might remember Russia they used to be are arch nemesis about 20 years ago now they get our new movies before the United States of America, the sweetest smelling country in the world.

I've seen Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow in just about every country over the last two weeks walking red carpets, dirt paths, rose petal strewn trails, cobblestone street, yellow brick roads smiling and waving at international journalists while I have sat here in America, waiting anxiously for the movie to open. Iron Man, a movie based on an American Comic Book about an American entrepreneur that had the get up and know how to build a suit of armor with scrap part while stuck in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Oh by the way, they played Iron Man 3 last night in a cave in the middle of nowhere to a huge crowd of men, women and goats. Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow sold tickets and gave out free popcorn in the caverns while I sat here, Iron Manless. They were lovely, witty and fashionable while they refilled 2 liter drinks for the patrons.

Look I am not made at the actors they are just doing their jobs. I mean, keep the only movie worth seeing this spring over in foreign markets. I can wait, I have plenty of great movies to watch over here in this country. Movies like GI Joe Retaliation, Pain and Gain or Scary Movie V.

Seriously though I am just having a bit of good old fashion fun here. I know they are doing this so they can break the box office here but I really don't see the reason why because to be honest there hasn't been a really good movie that has come out this year I don't think. I like Oblivion but it wasn't anything to write home about and beside I don't think Tom Cruise elicits that much of an emotional response for most of the population. We have had a lot of shit though, I mean all three Planet Hollywood Investors put out movies that vanished like a fart in a hurricane. Pain and Gain, is that about steroid abuse? GI Joe Retaliation must have been seeking vengeance on the six people that went to watch it.

Selah.

Oblivion without the Drinking

So I went to my local theater to watch the latest Tom Cruise movie, Oblivion.

The movie wasn't half bad though I wasn't really expecting much out of it other than some interesting visuals and a half decent sci-fi story.
This might actually be the first movie that I have seen in 2013. I admit that when I read an article claiming that ticket sales for movies were down in the US because of the recession I was perplexed. The only reason they aren't getting my money so far this year is because they really have released anything that wasn't a complete turd missile. The only reason I wanted to see this one is because it looked vaguely interesting, not because I am a huge Tom Cruise fan. Cruise will be Cruise in every damn movie he is in because that is where the money is at. He puts himself out there ever so often to retain his street cred as a real actor (Born on the 4th of July, Magnolia, Tropic Thunder) but usually he is just Tom Cruise. Which is fine, he seems like a nice enough guy if you leave out Scientology. The real reason I watched this is because it looked great visually and there isn't shit else out that I want to watch really other than The Place Behind the Pines. It is that time of the year were all the good movies that you've been told about are getting ready for their final approach. Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into the Darkness, Superman, Pacific Rim etc etc etc. Why something good can't come out between Jan-March is a mystery.

Speaking of movies, the trailers before this were so truly terrible for the most part I don't even know what to say about them. The only good one was the Star Trek: Into The Darkness which I have been trying to avoid because I want to be surprised about what happens without the trailer answering all the riddles immediately. So I spent 2 minutes with my eyes and ears closed going NANANANANA. The other decent trailer was Man of Steel besides that it was FUCKKKKKKK!
     One film trailer was basically Men in Black except replace aliens with ghosts and the change the casting around. So now you have Ryan Reynolds as Will Smith and Jeff Bridges playing Tommy Lee Jones and they have to save the world of the living from ghosts. Even the ghosts looks strangely like the ugly ass aliens from MiB, twelve eyes and big and lurking. The only thing I can see it has going for it is Jeff Bridges but even he seems to be playing the same character from True Grit.
    Another was a buddy cop film except with Sandra Bullock playing the uptight one and the chic from Bridemaids playing the sloppy I've had it up to here with your rules type. I really miss Riggs and Murtaugh.
    The worst of course has to have been another, yes another Fast and Furious movie. I think it is number 6 but to be honest I have only actually watched the first one and that was on purpose way way back in the 90's. It was terrible then but now after gone through the blender 5 more times I can't even imagine how weak and shitty it is. There was a time kids, way back in the day, when we thought Vin Diesel was going to be a great actor. He worked hard, made, starred and directed an indie film. Got some good cred in a little known movie called Pitch Black and Speilberg put him in Saving Private Ryan because of it. Then he started making action movies, shit like Fast and The Furious and XXX and he quickly disappeared into the shit mist. Now he holds on to a shadow of his former self being in sequels to movies he starred in a decade ago.
    Lastly there was a preview for a movie about magicians...seriously. Honestly I don't give a damn about a magician movie unless it starred Will Arnett but I don't know, I might give it a try because it is also a heist movie also it has Woody Harrelson, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman in it. So why not?

   

    Watched Skyfall this afternoon after work and I have to say it was spectacular. Daniel Craig is a wonderful actor, I have been following his career after watching The Layer Cake. Javier Bardem as the baddie is also a nice touch and as usual he tries to still the show. 

    Bond is asked what he does for a hobby and his reply is "resurrection".  That is basically what these last three films have done for the flailing Bond Francise. After The Bourne Identity came out it was hard to take Bond seriously with all his quips and gadgets when Jason Bourne just beat the shit out of people and worked towards his objective. No invisible BMW, Ice Palaces located in the Arctic or snowboarding down a glacier for Bourne. 

    They took a chance and revamped Bond for the 21st Century and got rid of the laser cufflinks. 

The Walking Dead Season 2: Where's Carl?

Stayed up till 6 am this morning watching The Walking Dead Season 2 and my only gripe about the entire season is if you watch it all at once as I and probably many others have you get a little sick and tired of hearing "Where's Carl?" every episode. That kid wanders off more than any other kid in a post apocalyptic world over run by Zombies. Of course maybe this is just one of the trappings of filming certain movie genre into long TV series. If you are doing horror the girl running in heels can only fall down so many times right? Or as in the old western tv shows, how many times can Marshall Dillion get shot in the shoulder but still make it to the end.

Where's Carl?

I just saying they might need to back off a little on the constant "Where's Carl?" tension cliche if they are going to establish any empathy for that kid. You overuse that bit too many times and people that watch the show will start to resent the little bastard. I'm saying this as someone that enjoys the series so far and can't say enough good things about the comic books but every show "Where's Carl?" and then pissing and squealing for ten minutes looking for him in the middle of a zombie attack or changing a tire.

I found Carl, mmmmhmmmm.

Fear and Loathing in Puerto Rico

    Being a rabid Hunter S. Thompson fan for I guess more than almost two decades I just had to check out the new movie "The Rum Diary" starring Johnny Depp.

The Rum Diary

    The Rum Diary is the only work of fiction that Hunter ever published and it happened almost 40 years after it was written to quote the author "because it wasn't any good". I guess he dusted it off in the 90's and rewrote it some and now we have a movie that is loosely based on the source. The book isn't the best ever written and I'm not going to lie and say the movie is either but it is well worth a look. I think the movie is more about Hunter S Thompson than the fictional character in the novel Paul Kemp. There are eerie ghosts here and there of the man with lines such as "the American dream is just a piss puddle of greed" and of course "I smell bastards" shout of Hunter not Kemp. 

     

     

The Guard...

....or how you have to watch movies from another country to be entertained.

     When I was moving to Houston in July of 2011 I listened to a lot of NPR on the 14 hour drive down from Kentucky. I like NPR for the most part though and that is good seeing that my CD player went out about 3 years ago. I have heard about more music and books by listening to NPR than just about any other source. Sure you can read reviews for movies on the IMDB but like everything on the internet you get just arguments over opinion. That and I find the message boards seem to be rampant with teenage twits that think Twilight and Transformers are the most awesomest movies ever and can't understand a movie like Another Year in which the cast was "full of ugly people".
    Anyway, I was listening to NPR in Arkansas and I heard an interview with Brenden Gleeson the Irish actor in such movies such as Braveheart, 28 Days Later, Harry Potter and In Bruges. They were discussing his latest movie with Don Cheadle called The Guard, set in Ireland and his role. The entire I am thinking this sounds like such a great movie I will never get a chance to see it. I was thinking like I still lived in little old Kentucky not moving to the 3rd Largest city in America.

     I actually got to see a cool movie. I finally paid money to watch a movie and wasn't disappointed afterwards. Thank you Sweet Jesus. I could go into all the details of what makes this movie work, the humor, the characters, the scenery but you don't have to take my word for it.

Captain America:The Last of my Patience

or Captain America:Filmed Exclusively at Shepperton Studios London, UK.

      First let me start off by saying that as a child and a teenage I loved movies. It was always such an interesting medium, visuals and sounds, plots and ideas, music and emotions. I good movie can illicit an emotional response. It can make you laugh, cry or get you angered. It was an experience when I was a kid to sit in the dark waiting for the kid in the booth to flip the switch on the projector and watch MAGIC come from light and sound. Those days are gone sadly I am afraid now it is cookie cutter movies feeding off pop culture as far back as anyone can remember. You can't just sit in the cool darkness alone with your thoughts or talking to your friend or girl anymore now you have to have COMMERCIALS SHOT at your head until the movie begin and even when the projector starts you have to watch TRAILERS for at least 15 minutes.
      Shit, I miss just getting asked to buy a coke or popcorn but I had to sit through ads for new ABC shows. One was about PAN AM Stewardesses during the early 60's when you used to have to wear a coat and tie to fly plus have a shit ton of money as well I imagine. How is that going to be a TV series? How many seasons can that last? Until Pan Am goes out of business? The Early 60's is the thing now thanks to Mad Men so why not a series about Stewardess, I'm sure they have as much of a story to tell as Madison Avenue Ad Men. I think the difference is Mad Men is on cable they have really been pushing the edge in TV like HBO the last few years with things like Rescue Me, Mad Men, Louie and Breaking Bad. ABC is owned by Disney, I doubt if the Mouse is going to get to risque.
     Then there was a commercial for the NEW Charlies Angels TV series set in Miami like it matters. This time the Angels are Detectives and Bosley isn't just some alcoholic that helps ever so often but a ladies man so plenty of sex appeal for everyone that watches. I will not be one of those watchers.
      Then,( yes I am using another THEN) there was a commercial asking if your computer had to load in seconds could it. They demonstrated by have a laptop connected to a laptop in free fall, when the OS was loaded the DVD tray would open triggering the chute and the PC would gently land on terra firma. I get it, idea is in my head. I understand commercial what you are saying are those few seconds while I get a cup of coffee at starbucks are important, THIS IS AMERICA. LAND OF THE NOW! Why those seconds that it takes for my PC to load keeps me from vital information such as funny tweets, stupid facebook messages that end in "if you aren't a coward or you are a true friend you will repost" and pictures of kids that I don't care about and don't care to see.
     So I sat through that 30 second commercial and what comes next but a fucking behind the scenes on the making of the commercial. Are you kidding me? Who cares how they made the commercial? Seriously. You strap a parachute onto a laptop and threw it out of a plane, stop me if you ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT! Why did they make a behind the scenes for a commercial? Is it for when the DVD comes out? Will they have an audio commentary as well?
     You see, they got you in the theater because you can't leave at all. You have to get there early enough to get a seat that isn't in the front row or off to the far corners so you are at least stuck 10-15 minutes. This is made worse if you go by yourself because you can't talk away the Violent Eyeball Injections on Screen. Texting is only good for your unemployed friends and who wants to talk in a crowded theater on a cell.
      You must not leave your chair and no matter where you do set, management will provide a 6 year old boy to sit behind you to kick your seat and ask stupid questions throughout the movie. Thank you. The only highlight I can think of before the movie started was a preview for a Mexican movies called "Saving Private Perez" that looked both cheap and funny. After that it was back to anger.

Craptain Americano!

   So quick movie review. First half good, second half filler and let's just get to the fucking Avengers Movie already. A movie in which Robert Downey is going to steal the entire show because he is the most likable and charismatic of all the proposed characters. Sorry but that is about the truth of it all, Thor is going to stand their looking pissed, Cap will be flexing and Tony Stark will be drinking a martini looking suave.