I Saw Sedaris, But I Didn't See The Deputy

Part 1

I saw the author David Sedaris last night at the Ryman Auditorium from my favorite seat in the entire place, behind a white support beam. At least Ticketmaster seems to think that is my favorite spot because the last time I was there I sat behind the very same pole. That time I got to see both Andrew Birds shoulders and I think maybe a hand if I sat straight but with some fancy leaning of the head I could see 35% more. Unfortunately that shit hurts after a hour and the drive home was slightly sideways like a listing ship.

I like the Ryman though and I could see Sedaris pretty well, I guess he was more centered than Andrew Bird. He stood behind a huge lectern with RYMAN in big oak letters reading essays, diaries and excerpts from his new book that is coming out in October of this year. His new book has animals in place of people. He said he it was originally going to be a book of fables but then he realized that fables have morals, so now it is called a bestiary.

After the show I trotted up to the second floor lobby where he was going to sign books, I got there as fast as I could but I wasn't fast enough. I imagine I was about 100 people deep into the line and it is reasonable to say that I was at the midpoint. I was stuck in line with a pair of 20 something girls from Owensboro talking about being chefs, a couple in front of me who turned out later to be a 36yo woman and her 17yo son (I am a shitty judge of age) and in front of them Tommy Chong in bib overalls and a tied dyed shirt and his striking blonde wife in a summer dress. I mean that last description as it is, I was almost certain this guy was Tommy Chong because who else would dress that flamboyantly and have a nice looking wife.

I was left in that awkward position of being that one lone guy in line with no one to talk to while waiting. I could even do the new loners way of staying occupied which involves texting people you sort of know to kill time because I left my phone in the car to make room for the digital recorder that B.R. let me borrowed (don't worry Mr Sedaris I just wanted a copy for my gf not to post on the internet).

Luckily the woman in front of me started talking after I asked for a pen. One of the ushers was handing out slips of paper for you to write the name of whomever you wanted inscribed. I guess so you wouldn't have to stand there and spell out everything. Anyway, turns out she wasn't in her mid-20's but 36 and her BF was actually her 17 year old son. Like I said, I'm a terrible judge of age and I blame Hollywood for that. So many years of old actors and rock stars still clingy to youth tends to warp your judgment of age. (e.g. William Shatner is 82 but still has brown hair or at least his toupee does).

I wrote Ana on the paper and the woman said I didn't look like an Ana. I explained that I was getting the autograph for my girlfriend who was in Brazil. We talked about this for a few moments before we switched to that old stand by of all Gen Xers.... pop culture. Seeing that it took 45 minutes to advance from the half to the quarter mark we had plenty of time to throw out many references, The Soprano's, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Columbo etc, etc.... What would our generation talk about if it weren't for shitty TV shows and music that kind of falls flat after you have had your first traumatic relationship with the opposite or same sex.

Finally I got to my turn to talk to the man who was eating what looked like Mexican food in between signing and answer questions. Jesus Christ, I haven't talked to another human being in 3 weeks and now I have to say something to a famous author.

The rest later....