World War Zzzzzzz

    So I watched World War Z yesterday with a heavy heart because I have already read about all the production issues with this film and plus it has a PG-13 rating because teenagers are truly the only demographic that matters, especially if you are spending 200 Million dollars in production.

    When I read many years ago that Brad Pitt had bought the rights to the book via his production company I was kind of hopeful. I like Brad Pitt, he has done some fine work in his career usually with David Fincher. Then I read about it being the largest budgeted zombie movie ever. Finally I hard PG-13 because he wanted to make something his kids could watch which is probably words his publicist told him to say when Paramount wouldn't pony up that much money for an R Rated movie.
     I guess things have changed since I was a teen but I never ever remember having any trouble getting into a R rated movie ever. I saw Basic Instinct when it came out in 1992 and I was only 16 or 17 years old, with friends of the same age. We all watched movies like Porkies, Rambo, Aliens and no telling wait on Cinemax late at night. You seriously can't hit me with think about the children when they now show Basic Instinct on a Christmas morning on Starz.
     I for one watched the movie because there was nothing else out at the moment I wanted to see and I have some respect for Brad Pitt. I can't really see why this cost so much to make because it obviously wasn't because of locations as it seems they only did a few aerial shots of certain locations and that is about it. Couldn't have been talent as Brad Pitt is the only big name in the cast. I was thinking the entire time that I have seen more locations in an 80's miniseries.
    I'm not saying the movie sucked, it was way more fun than Man of Steel I just don't understand why it is called World War Z because from what I can tell they just took the title and then remade 28 Days Later. No slow zombies here folks instead we get runners that overwhelm everything in a matter of seconds like a tsunami of dead. No feasting on brains or devouring of flesh but more like a snake bite and you are fucked in 12 seconds. In 12 seconds from the bite you are twitching, then dead, then bitey yourself.
    The real question though is how did such a terrible disease cross the ocean and make it to America? It seems to have originated in Asia but somehow got to the other side of the world. The UN guy suggests that it was via airplanes, infected people on the a plane but later in the movie we see how flying on an airplane with one infected person works out, the entire plane was over run with zombies in mere minutes. So how the hell would such a plane land in the United States, surely the pilots would have reported that they had about 300 infected passengers before landing the plane, that is if they didn't beat the door to the cockpit down before landing.
     Really how could anyone infected even get on the plane, I mean by the time you have removed your shoes and gone through the scanner you would have turned. Obviously from the movie it only takes one to start the ball rolling but from the looks of the movie every flight into the USA must have had at least one infected person seeing that Philly, NYC and DC were already being over run.
      They should have made it for half the money, gave it an R rating, sold it around Halloween and made it three parts. I mean is it that hard to make a zombie movie, Romero did it for almost 40 years and AMC is doing it 14 episodes at a time. Fast zombies might be scarier at first but CGI are comical as hell.

Young Dracula in Love

I have an idea for a comedy titled like this post, "Young Dracula in Love". The thing is Dracula while young in years compared to other vampires looks like a 70 year old man to humans and we get to follow his wacky adventures as he tries to start a relationship with a much younger woman. Think Christopher Lee trying to pick up Jennifer Lawrence. I'm talking pure movie gold here, it practically writes itself.

   Two weeks ago I went to the theater to watch Star Trek: Rodenberry Spins In Grave at the midnight showing because I had a plane to catch the next day. As is the case now when you go to a movie at an AMC theater you have to watch some shitty TV show that you would never think to view unless stuck in the hospital and the batteries in the remote died. 

Apparently The Foster Parents are Beach Bums

    There was an ad for an ABC show called The Fosters and I got some weird stares because of one of the line readings in the otherwise sappy sweet drama that is supposed to feel like a warm washcloth swabbing your testicles. The little girl says something about meeting someone and the teenage boy responds "But that is our birth mother!" and at that line I cackled madly among the late night nerds who just gave me blank stares. So preposterous sounding was that line, who would watch this shit. 

    Now less that two weeks later I am scrolling on my iphone tumblr app and I see one of my sponsored ads is no less than "The Fosters". You can't escape the LAME.

Ironed Man

Seriously, the only thing that America successfully make and exports around the world these days other than bullet is movies. Sure they are all filmed in Canada but that is North America all the same.  The real pisser here is that Iron Man 3 has been all over the fucking world now and I still have to wait two more days to see it here in the good old US of A.

Opening Everywhere In The World, Then in the USA 

Shit, my girlfriend has just been waiting for the right time to watch it in Brazil because it has been there all week. She just can't get a good time for the un-dubbed version. Me, Shawn, here in Houston, Texas, USA has to wait two more days to watch it in a crowded theater. The French have already seen it, Russians had their world premiere a week before that. You might remember Russia they used to be are arch nemesis about 20 years ago now they get our new movies before the United States of America, the sweetest smelling country in the world.

I've seen Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow in just about every country over the last two weeks walking red carpets, dirt paths, rose petal strewn trails, cobblestone street, yellow brick roads smiling and waving at international journalists while I have sat here in America, waiting anxiously for the movie to open. Iron Man, a movie based on an American Comic Book about an American entrepreneur that had the get up and know how to build a suit of armor with scrap part while stuck in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Oh by the way, they played Iron Man 3 last night in a cave in the middle of nowhere to a huge crowd of men, women and goats. Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow sold tickets and gave out free popcorn in the caverns while I sat here, Iron Manless. They were lovely, witty and fashionable while they refilled 2 liter drinks for the patrons.

Look I am not made at the actors they are just doing their jobs. I mean, keep the only movie worth seeing this spring over in foreign markets. I can wait, I have plenty of great movies to watch over here in this country. Movies like GI Joe Retaliation, Pain and Gain or Scary Movie V.

Seriously though I am just having a bit of good old fashion fun here. I know they are doing this so they can break the box office here but I really don't see the reason why because to be honest there hasn't been a really good movie that has come out this year I don't think. I like Oblivion but it wasn't anything to write home about and beside I don't think Tom Cruise elicits that much of an emotional response for most of the population. We have had a lot of shit though, I mean all three Planet Hollywood Investors put out movies that vanished like a fart in a hurricane. Pain and Gain, is that about steroid abuse? GI Joe Retaliation must have been seeking vengeance on the six people that went to watch it.

Selah.

Oblivion without the Drinking

So I went to my local theater to watch the latest Tom Cruise movie, Oblivion.

The movie wasn't half bad though I wasn't really expecting much out of it other than some interesting visuals and a half decent sci-fi story.
This might actually be the first movie that I have seen in 2013. I admit that when I read an article claiming that ticket sales for movies were down in the US because of the recession I was perplexed. The only reason they aren't getting my money so far this year is because they really have released anything that wasn't a complete turd missile. The only reason I wanted to see this one is because it looked vaguely interesting, not because I am a huge Tom Cruise fan. Cruise will be Cruise in every damn movie he is in because that is where the money is at. He puts himself out there ever so often to retain his street cred as a real actor (Born on the 4th of July, Magnolia, Tropic Thunder) but usually he is just Tom Cruise. Which is fine, he seems like a nice enough guy if you leave out Scientology. The real reason I watched this is because it looked great visually and there isn't shit else out that I want to watch really other than The Place Behind the Pines. It is that time of the year were all the good movies that you've been told about are getting ready for their final approach. Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into the Darkness, Superman, Pacific Rim etc etc etc. Why something good can't come out between Jan-March is a mystery.

Speaking of movies, the trailers before this were so truly terrible for the most part I don't even know what to say about them. The only good one was the Star Trek: Into The Darkness which I have been trying to avoid because I want to be surprised about what happens without the trailer answering all the riddles immediately. So I spent 2 minutes with my eyes and ears closed going NANANANANA. The other decent trailer was Man of Steel besides that it was FUCKKKKKKK!
     One film trailer was basically Men in Black except replace aliens with ghosts and the change the casting around. So now you have Ryan Reynolds as Will Smith and Jeff Bridges playing Tommy Lee Jones and they have to save the world of the living from ghosts. Even the ghosts looks strangely like the ugly ass aliens from MiB, twelve eyes and big and lurking. The only thing I can see it has going for it is Jeff Bridges but even he seems to be playing the same character from True Grit.
    Another was a buddy cop film except with Sandra Bullock playing the uptight one and the chic from Bridemaids playing the sloppy I've had it up to here with your rules type. I really miss Riggs and Murtaugh.
    The worst of course has to have been another, yes another Fast and Furious movie. I think it is number 6 but to be honest I have only actually watched the first one and that was on purpose way way back in the 90's. It was terrible then but now after gone through the blender 5 more times I can't even imagine how weak and shitty it is. There was a time kids, way back in the day, when we thought Vin Diesel was going to be a great actor. He worked hard, made, starred and directed an indie film. Got some good cred in a little known movie called Pitch Black and Speilberg put him in Saving Private Ryan because of it. Then he started making action movies, shit like Fast and The Furious and XXX and he quickly disappeared into the shit mist. Now he holds on to a shadow of his former self being in sequels to movies he starred in a decade ago.
    Lastly there was a preview for a movie about magicians...seriously. Honestly I don't give a damn about a magician movie unless it starred Will Arnett but I don't know, I might give it a try because it is also a heist movie also it has Woody Harrelson, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman in it. So why not?

   

    Watched Skyfall this afternoon after work and I have to say it was spectacular. Daniel Craig is a wonderful actor, I have been following his career after watching The Layer Cake. Javier Bardem as the baddie is also a nice touch and as usual he tries to still the show. 

    Bond is asked what he does for a hobby and his reply is "resurrection".  That is basically what these last three films have done for the flailing Bond Francise. After The Bourne Identity came out it was hard to take Bond seriously with all his quips and gadgets when Jason Bourne just beat the shit out of people and worked towards his objective. No invisible BMW, Ice Palaces located in the Arctic or snowboarding down a glacier for Bourne. 

    They took a chance and revamped Bond for the 21st Century and got rid of the laser cufflinks. 

The Walking Dead Season 2: Where's Carl?

Stayed up till 6 am this morning watching The Walking Dead Season 2 and my only gripe about the entire season is if you watch it all at once as I and probably many others have you get a little sick and tired of hearing "Where's Carl?" every episode. That kid wanders off more than any other kid in a post apocalyptic world over run by Zombies. Of course maybe this is just one of the trappings of filming certain movie genre into long TV series. If you are doing horror the girl running in heels can only fall down so many times right? Or as in the old western tv shows, how many times can Marshall Dillion get shot in the shoulder but still make it to the end.

Where's Carl?

I just saying they might need to back off a little on the constant "Where's Carl?" tension cliche if they are going to establish any empathy for that kid. You overuse that bit too many times and people that watch the show will start to resent the little bastard. I'm saying this as someone that enjoys the series so far and can't say enough good things about the comic books but every show "Where's Carl?" and then pissing and squealing for ten minutes looking for him in the middle of a zombie attack or changing a tire.

I found Carl, mmmmhmmmm.